there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
