Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
