my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
