Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
