New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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