I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
