i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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