I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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