Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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