My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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