I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
