He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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