I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
