all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
