My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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