I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
