Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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