my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
