Where did you get a picture of my penis
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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