I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
