so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
