on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
