Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
