My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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