If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
