Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
