gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
