I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
