u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
the raccoons are back...
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