they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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