For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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