mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
