Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
