We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So many bounce houses so little time
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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