apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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