I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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