i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
