I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
