Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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