the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
