just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
