She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
