we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
