i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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