My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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