At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
