Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
