We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
