Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
