After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
