MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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