Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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