Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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