Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need to sanitize my soul.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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