I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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