my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
