oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
